“Living For Everyone Else Except Yourself”

A Good Heart, The gift and curse that some of us have. They say “No beauty shines brighter than that of a good heart” and while in fact that may be true, is it a good thing. Having a good heart and caring for others is perfectly ok and is an alluring quality to have, but to what extent? How can you tell when you have reached a point In your life where your good-hearted ways have transformed you into a “People Pleaser”? Once you do realize what you have become how do you just end it? Like I stated before its is The gift and the curse.

We all want what best for the people around us and we always want to be there for them and that is perfectly normal. I think that in the mist of attempting to always be there for everyone around you start to lose your self. The things you did do to try to either help or just because your kind can start to become things your are forced to do. Once caught in the web of doing acts of kindness your start to put other people’s needs before your own as well as other people’s wants.  In doing and doing and doing you start to get to a point where you can’t say no. What you once did out of generosity has now become expected of you. You start to push aside the things you want to do and things that you should be doing for everyone else. You than become a doormat, a person who allows everyone else to walk right over them. In the expedition of making everyone else happy, you create misery in your own life. Why do we do this?

I have come to realize that a major part of it is fear among many other reasons. Whether it’s the fear of being left, fear of losing a friend, fear of what would be said about you and so on. Allowing fear to consume your life in this matter has got to be the most unhealthiest way to live. You have to know when you have reached a point of neglect in your life. We allow despair to make our decisions. what we don’t realize is that we are causing our own destruction. Our friends or partners  or family members are not to blame. Instead it is yourself. You chose to put your desires and your own commitments aside for the world. You created the “People Pleasing” Role on your own, until you can understand and accept that you will continue to live angst of not doing everything for everyone.

In my readings I came across a quote that I believe people who have let themselves reach this point and are ready to change it should repeat to themselves on a daily basis.

“It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to say no to someone you love. It’s okay to say no to a friend. It’s okay to say no to a parent or child. It’s okay to say no to a job or relationship. It’s okay to say no to sexual advances. And it’s okay to say no to a person who’s romantically interested in you. Even if it hurts someone’s feelings, even if you disappoint people, even if you’re judged and ostracized — it’s okay to say no to anything and anyone that causes you pain or makes you uncomfortable. You’re allowed to put yourself first. You’re allowed to set limits and boundaries. And you deserve to make your happiness and wellbeing a priority. You don’t ever have to settle for something or someone who doesn’t feel right. And you definitely don’t have to compromise yourself for the sake of making other people happy. You have to take care of yourself, and if that means saying no, it’s more than okay.”  —Daniell Koepke

Are you ready to culminate these ways, if so the one thing you have to understand and accept is that not everyone is going to contentedly grasp on to this change. You have to be okay with that. Realize that you have brought it to the point where you will start to lose people and people will become upset with this transition. The people who you would want in your life are the ones that may be a little wary or uneasy to this life adjustment but they will still be in your life and they will learn to accept and understand it as well.  Emily Roberts has come up with 7 steps to stop being “People Please” which can be found along with more helpful information on http://www.healthyplace.com ; the go as followed:

1. Stop. Literally stop right now and think about the times you have said yes, when you really wanted to say no.
2. Take your time. If someone asks for a favor, take time to think about it or check your schedule.
3. Be Fair. Am I being fair to myself and others in my life if I say yes?
4. Don’t over apologize. If you can’t make a commitment or have to say no, a simple “I am sorry” is fine.
5. Start small. Limit your availability to help, set a time limit, or ask for assistance on small things.
6. Forget the fear. If others get mad because you say no occasionally, they are not people you should be surrounding yourself with anyways.
7. Ask for help. recognizing when it’s too much to handle or if you need help is a sign of someone who is confident and assertive.

Free your self from the prison you live in. Advise yourself that your ideas, thoughts, and feelings matter to. Take care of yourself , you deserve to receive what you desire. In the process some people may squander from your life but in the end you are left with a refreshing life filled with delight and jubilation. #ThatsJustMyOpinion

“People will forget all the things you have done, But hold against you, the one thing you couldn’t do”

Mommy Vs. Daddy

“Your father is this, and Your mother is that”. Nowadays this is all children are growing up to hear. Having been on social media for as long as I have been its always been a debate about Mothers Bad mouthing the Absent father. Now it seems like its gone both ways. The Disorderly between parents has become highly oppressive. When has it been acceptable to verbally attack the other parent, and to make matters worst the attacks are seen through social media. What is the cause of all this broken behavior? Where did our morals go? When did parents become so selfish?

As a parent we should know to stop and think about how our actions would affect our kids. I have a question For the parents that spend their time bashing or attacking the mother or father via social media and just in general. Do you ever stop and think how this may affect your child? Children see themselves as half of each parent. When children hear bad things about one parent, they hear bad things about half of themselves. If they hear bad things about both their parents, they feel that both halves of themselves must be of little worth. Here is my example. My father was never around, But he was rarely discussed. When he was explained to me nothing negative was ever mentioned. I will always appreciate that because I was able to grow up and form my own opinion on him. That’s another topic though.

Now my next question is for the Parents that aren’t involved in their kids lives but still chose to verbally attack the parent that handles their obligations the correct way. Why the lack of respect for the person that is holding up their end as well as yours? Where do you build up the courage to harass the person that has constructed, heightened and lifted your child in times that you haven’t? (Yes very touchy topic for me) Here is my thought; for someone to revert to those types of actions only means they have inner issues that need to be dealt with. These people are usually more upset with themselves and what they lack in. What happens is they chose to make another person feel how they deep down inside truly feel about themselves because they in fact just cant handle it. It takes me back to my last blog “In Our Own way” if you read that you’ll get more of my understanding to this paragraph. Deal With your insecurities don’t blame them on others.

As parents we will all have moments of inaccuracy, confusion and error. What we need to do is take responsibility for our actions, accept when we are wrong, appreciate the other parent for all their efforts and for the single parent households, stand contemptuously and continue to handle your business. Though things may not be fair, these exhibitions that are being held on social media do absolutely nothing it helps in no way. Its about time we grow up. This is of course all just my opinion and thoughts. Let me know what you guys are thinking?

“Parenting is the easiest thing in the world to have in opinion on, but the hardest thing in the world to do”

“In Our Own Way”

When do we learn to take responsibility of our own actions? When do we Discontinue the “Finger-Pointing” and own up to our faults? When do we get out of Our Own Way?

What needs to be presumed is that no complication will ever be managed if we can not hold our selves accountable for our actions. You’re part to blame for being in a toxic situation that is at hand. In the past has blaming others really worked? Has it ironed out the obstacle at hand? We all know that, that is not avenue that should be taken. Peter Shepherd stated “Healing comes from taking responsibility: to realize that it is you- and no one else- that creates your thoughts, your feelings and your actions.” Take a step back and think about what the real difficulty is. Once you see that you take part in it, then you will be able to add change to the situation at hand. Stop denying and instead learn from the mistakes.

What happens is the people create their own storms and become upset when it rains. You criticizing others and trying to make them the issue gives you no credibility.  Take Initiative for yourself, Stop blaming your circumstances on what YOU are able to change. This is all a process of growing up, take a look at your life right now…Don’t you think its about time that we develop ourselves into the mature person we are suppose to be?

On the other hand the person that is being depreciated, has to learn to attain some knowledge on how not to allow someone to perform the “Blame-Game”. Stand up and regulate the matter, speak what needs to be spoken and do not hold back. Do not allow a person to have so much management of your mind, feelings and emotions. Take ownership over your life, you own your faults do not become the person on the other side.

“You will find that people will always have opinions about your decisions. Don’t take it personally, it’s simply because they’re not courageous enough to take action in their own lives. Be a leader in your life and pay no mind to those who lack the courage to do the same in theirs.” ~Dr. Steve Maraboli~

To Answer Your Question….

   I was asked a question that I thought I would so easily answer but to my surprise each time I became stuck. To some it may seem as if “If you cant answer then you don’t mean it” when in fact in this case its more like “I don’t know how to assemble all the thoughts and feelings I have for you and place them into a verbal form”. I vocally was not able to answer but what better way to reply than in script, Right?

      “You’ve asked me twice, Why do I love you?. And Twice my words have been in a disarrange. That fact that my answer to your question was so unbalanced is proof that my feeling towards you are real. I love you so much that the words streaming through my mind just cant seem to come out right.

    So to answer your question…

I Love You Because: When I’m with you, I act different. In a good way. I smile more and laugh more.

I Love You Because: You’ve revealed a side of me that no one has been able to unseal.

I Love You Because: You reassure me when I feel insecure and comfort me after a bad day. You take my imperfections and display them as reasons to be confident.

I Love You Because: of your capability to listen to every element of every discussion we have.

I Love You Because: of your guidance and all the things you show me. Each day that goes by you expose me to a life that forgets regret and lives fearlessly. I value everything that you communicate with me.

I Love You Because: You make it easy to express my deepest emotions without any uncertainty because I know you will not critic.

I Love You Because: your humor matches mine. The comedy you share with me become moments that I later laugh about while thinking of you.

I Love You for all the little things you do :

– The way you hold my hand – The way you make sure im always okay – They way you smile after you kiss me – how comfortable you make me feel – How much fun we have when we are together – See me at my worst but always talk about my best – The way you care – The way you put me first – they way your always there

I could extend this, but I would probably never run out of things to say. With all this being said, Understand that you are Special to me. With you its a distinctive feeling, something I have never felt before. The best part of it all is that it’s Real, and I know that because with you I AM HAPPY!”

Your Past Is Just A Story…

They say that you should never allow your troubled thoughts to ruin something amazing. It is very clear that these “Thoughts” originate from all past experiences. I have learned to realize that our past is in fact just a story, we have a tendency of dwelling so much on what happened that we lose focus on what is happening and how to handle it. How do we expect to move forward still carrying the weight of your prior problems. We sometimes end up in repeated cycles and never seem to understand why. I have finally taking a step back and realized that we put our selves in that place, we control our lives and burdening ourselves with “The Past” we never move forward towards a different path but instead the very same path.

Hurtful experiences in our early lives have created some counterproductive attitudes and behaviors, and our relationships have suffered as a result. One complication we encounter is being overly suspicious. A person wants to feel that they are trusted. If you sense, deep down, that you can’t trust your partner, you need to look at whether this is a result of your own inability to trust or because of some troubling behavior on their part. You need to deal with your emotional baggage around trust and let go of your suspicious attitude. If not, this will poison the relationship.

Another problematic issue is leaking resentment or hostility. It is much more simple to be a sweet-tempered person, and you’ll tend to do better in relationships. People can always tell when you feel warmly toward them and when you’re disdainful or contemptuous. It may be that unconsciously, you’re reacting to someone as though they were similar to some hurtful people from your past. That may explain you behavior but it doesn’t excuse it or make it tolerable.

Last obstacle that I realized can cause destruction would be Labeling. With a label we create limitations and boundaries in our relationships which in turn creates unnecessary (or necessary) pressure. We follow the traditions of the world by assuming that every relationship we encounter in life needs a label. We focus so much on the Title of what we have going and trying to prove what we have that we lose focus on the bond that we should be creating with our significant other.  You get what you put in so work towards a real connection and devotion, and everything else will follow.

It has taking a special person to open my eyes to reality and thankfully I am able to realize and learn so much that I can start on a new path with no lingering concerns but instead a peaceful mind. As long as I don’t allow “past” to interfere and to push them away I can confidently move forward onto something great .

“Let go of the Past Story, and target the Current Story. The result will be always be happiness”

 

Is this what I Anticipated….

Life; My life. Was this my envision of adult life? Absolutely not; I would have never guessed that I would be living life the way I am now. Some things turned out better but some things I just was not groomed for. As a child I would say I saw myself living the “American Dream”. What I didn’t detect was the hindrance that we are thrown into. The straight path that everyone starts off on completely disappeared. I hit bumps, took rights and lefts had a few curves and hills on the way as well. From having a child at a some what early age; to working in a place that I have no kind of interest for, This was all unforeseen. My goal was certainly not to be a somewhat single mother, living life by “I don’t know how I got it done but I got it done” , being swarmed with bills; and having no time to pursue my dreams. Though I hit those hurdles in life I can not say it was all bad. My daughter was the best thing that EVER happened to me, she changed my life for the better and taught me to be responsible. I needed her in my life. I am not interested in the work I do but they allow me to pursue my dreams and return to school so I actually benefit from working here. I am not with my childs father but I have met someone who treats me better then deserved. I live my life now by ” Everything happens for a reason”. Though this was not what I had conceptualized as a child. It sure isn’t as bad as it could be. Life never goes how we want it to go, But instead it takes you right where you need to be.

“Live Beautifully, Dream Passionately, Love Completely“

 

Some what a single mom……

One of the toughest jobs in the world is to raise a child. So much comes with raising kids. I don’t think anyone really realizes all the work it demands until they become a parent. I mean think about it you have this person that you have to care for, provide for and to teach all life lessons to. Imagine being a young mother, or even worst imagine doing it alone. I was 20 when I had my daughter, in my eyes I was a child raising a child. I had to learn to care for myself and care for a baby. Now the debate in my life is am I a single mother or not. My child is now 6 and as much as I don’t want to say it im starting to feel like I am. Her father is in her life and that is so appreciated, I grew up fatherless so I know the negative effects that come with that. He is appreciated but is that enough. I provide on a daily basis for my child financially and emotionally. Now we aren’t together and maybe that is what causes the difference in parenting but so much pressure is applied to the mother more then the father, why is that. The worst part is not being recongnized or appreciated for taking on these mother duties.  At a young age I had to learn to prioritize and realize that this child was my main concern in life, why does it seem that the father takes longer to see that. what makes life even harder with separated parents is the process of moving forward in life. It becomes so much easier for a father to move on in life and date then for a mom. They have all the time in the world and then when a mother actually finds time the father makes it an issue. My child’s father makes it so hard to move on. My daughter is 6 and not once has met a man in my life, so by now you would think that my judgment would be trusted. I’m feeling like I’m in the mist of getting serious with someone but I’m in fear of an issue erupting from it. Where is that fair to me. I should be moving forward happily but these are the cons that come from having a child with the wrong person I guess. I never regret my child but sometimes I question how I managed to get in a situation like this. Its hard and can become so overwhelming. The mother is to blame for every mistake this child makes, The mother cannot move forward in life, the mother has to give her last to provide for the child and the mother has to lose sleep in raising this child. Im ok with it all but where is it fair. What will it take for this man to realize how good he has it. This is something I will never know but boy how well it feels to let my thoughts out. Ill end this with a quote that I think men need to instill in their minds.

 

“The best thing a Father can do for his children is to love their Mother”

“The Earth has Music for those who listen”

I live by collecting moments not things, This depiction is a perfect example. Just viewing this image tell me how does it make you feel? What do you smell? . I can taste the warm breeze, I breath in and get a sense of calmness, I can smell the purity and I can hear the chant of the ocean. The refreshing look at this photo is my therapy. Most people go through life trying to figure out how to deal with things even pay money to receive assistance in life. What they fail to realize and what I am glad I have found out is that all it takes is a moment of nature; from a walk or sitting on an empty beach to swimming or even bike riding. My moment at this empty beach gave me clarity. The blue water matching the blue sky is well defined as leisure. No matter how ill I may become or how dark moments may get there is no better cure then the graceful tranquility of nature. It is time to Appreciate the Creation around you.

Let Down Your Hair…..

The magical home of Rupunzel, and all that’s green is what stands out. Nature comes to life in this photo. Question is, is the magic inside or outside?……

Untold Memory of a child……

” Waking up on a nice summer morning, free to roam outside and be a kid that I am. No school just me having fun. That’s what I thought every morning during school vacation. What child doesn’t love summer right!
I get myself up throw on some shorts a t-shirt and of course some running sneakers. Mom has breakfast ready but of course Im ready to run freely. So as any child would I eat my breakfast as if I were a hamster; just stuffing and storing. Barely being able to say “be back in a little mommy”.
I run down stairs and stand outside for a second taking in the nice breeze and the summer time smell. The charcoal smell from the cookouts, mixed with the smell of chlorine from the pools. I take a glance at my bike then glance at my knees remembering that every scrape cut and bruise was from me getting on my bike, but that only made me get on again.
The one thing that makes things not so fun is having to ride alone, well that’s what happens when your an early bird. Well I think its time to go and wake my friends up right? Right. So here I am riding to my friends house trying all kinds of tricks on my bike. No hands, Wheelies and other tricks that had potential in adding to my artwork of cuts on my legs.
My 3 minute bike ride that at that time felt like a 20 minute bike ride finally got me here. So I walk up the stairs to this beautiful sea green 3 family house surrounded by black fencing and ring the door bell and no answer. I wait and I ring one more time, Nothing again. Now I know its early but I’m ready to play so I need my friend to wake up.
I head to the back yard and see her bike already outside and the back door open. So I began to knock on the open door, the strong stench of smoke hits me. Her uncle comes out holding what seemed like a cigarette but had a much stronger smell and was wrapped in all white wrapping.
He says ” Hey she’s inside in the 2nd bedroom” , Seeing her bike outside I joyfully skip my way in and as I am passing the first bedroom hearing nothing but myself breathing I start to get a feeling in my stomach, my hands are shaking so quickly, I stop for a second and remember having this same feeling before getting on a ride at the carnival. So I continued with no problem into the second bedroom, which didn’t seem to be the room of a little girl. There was a Bed on a brown rusted frame, Bland walls and a dresser with men products. I turn around to walk out and before I could his tall presence stood in front of me. The stench of the strong smoke hit my face. and when I looked up a see him with a side smirk. I try and make a run for it but before I knew it he rolls his sleeves up and picks me up and throws me on the bed. The bed was so stiff falling on it was as if I was falling on hard cement. The felling in my stomach starts to slide up to my throat. I unknowingly was in a state of panic.
He grabs my face and he runs his filthy hands that had looked as if he were working on cars through my hair. My body starts to tremble, I start to try and let the words “Let me go” out but it was almost as if my mouth was saying it but no sound was coming out with it.
He opens my legs and rubs his dirty nailed hands on my body in places that I was taught was inappropriate, my mind is screaming out so many words but still no sound. He then grabs my face and sticks his tongue in my mouth, all that a felt was the smoke stench now in my mouth. Finally the thoughts that were in my mind released with sound. I Bit down on his tongue and started to kick and swing my arms in all kinds of directions with power that I never knew I had. I screamed so loud that neighbors were sure to hear, he let go and he now was in a state of panic, allowing me the time I needed to escape…. I run out the house get on my bike and what use to seem like a 20 minute bike ride had now become an hour bike ride to get home and fall into mommys arms……….”

This 7 year old child is now 26 years old with a 6 year old child. Due to that fact that this 7 year old child’s story had remained untold, there is now a 6 year old child that has a paranoid mother, a mother living in anxiety and fear. A mother that s suspicious of anyone who comes near her and her child. But now that this story is being told maybe now that mother can let go of her pass and live a positive and healthy lifestyle with her child. #TeachOurKidsToSpeakUp